We were all teased at some point during our childhoods. Although it’s not fun, it usually doesn’t have a lasting effect. But some students experience something worse than the average teasing. They are bullied by another student, and the situation can be dangerous for all involved. To protect your child and keep some peace of mind, it helps to have an understanding of who bullies, who gets bullied and how to handle the situation.

Bullying Defined

According to the United States Department of Health and Human Services, bullying is aggressive behavior that is intentional, repeated over time and involves an imbalance of power or strength. Bullying can take on several forms, including physical harm, verbal abuse and nonverbal emotional bullying, such as intimidation. Cyberbullying is yet another way bullies show aggression, sending threatening e-mails, posting hurtful gossip or using a victim’s name or image in a cruel context via the Internet or other digital communication devices (such as cell phones or pagers).

The Bully…

“It’s tempting to want to take on the little villain ourselves,” says Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, a psychologist who discusses bullying in her book The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Children Make Friends (Little, Brown, 2003). “Keep in mind that the other child is just a child, perhaps one who is experiencing significant stress at home.” She explains that you will teach your child an important lesson about caring if you can find compassion for the child who bullies, while condemning their actions.
Children who bully often have low self-esteem and a poor understanding of healthy relationships. They believe relationships involve power and dominance. Research shows bullying is sometimes related to other antisocial and violent behaviors, such as vandalism, theft, truancy and carrying weapons. Children who bully are often impulsive and easily frustrated. They tend to lack empathy and have difficulty following rules. Many come from troubled homes without clearly defined rules.

… and the Bullied

“Almost all kids get teased or picked on at some point, but bullies tend to stick to the kids who react emotionally to their provocation,” says Dr. Kennedy-Moore. If a child does not react to teasing, then the bully will likely move on to someone else who will give him (or her) the reaction the bully is seeking. However, this is not to say that a child should not defend himself. Children should be taught that if bullying becomes physical, they should defend themselves and then seek help.

Kids who get bullied are in a dangerous situation because these children are more likely to be lonely, depressed, have low self-esteem and think about suicide, often before being bullied, and even more so after. Last May, the journal Pediatrics set out to determine which came first, the victimization or the psychological problems, with a study entitled, “Do Bullied Children Get Ill, or Do Ill Children Get Bullied?” The answer seems to be “yes” on both counts. The study revealed that some psychosocial health symptoms were present prior to kids’ being bullied, but not in all cases, and that victims of bullying have a much higher chance of developing new psychological problems such as depression.

What to Do

As parents we want to do everything we can to protect our kids, but in a situation like this, it can be difficult to know just how to help. Start with these tips to try combating the problem.

• Prevention – Talk to your child about how to handle such situations before they happen. Teach them to try as hard as they can to not react to the bully. Explain to him that while it’s only natural to be scared in a situation like that, staying calm and being brave may be enough to discourage the bully from further action. If your school does not have a bullying prevention program or policy in place, work with the administration to have one created.

• Safety – If your child is being physically hurt or the bullying continues, then you will need to step in by paying a visit to the school principal. Your best bet is to let the school contact the bullying child’s parents, rather than doing it yourself.

• Preparation – Brainstorm possible scenarios, and teach your child effective strategies for dealing with the situations. You can also role play, taking turns pretending with your child that one of you is a bully. Rehearse possible things that the bully may say or do and what your child can do to stay calm, leave the situation or protect himself. Teach your child some basic body language signals that convey confidence and discourage bullies, such as standing tall and making eye contact with people. In doing these things, be sure to let your child know that the bullying is not his fault and nothing he did in the past was “wrong.” Nobody deserves to be bullied.

• Monitoring – Especially when it comes to cyberbullying, it’s important for parents to keep tabs on what their children are up to. Steps can be taken to monitor what children are doing online, and to set protective limits on who can send them e-mail and instant messages.

Allow Time

As parents we never want to see our children have their feelings hurt. When this happens, give them some extra love and understanding. “But if the situation is fairly new and there is no danger involved, don’t rush in to solve the problem,” says Dr. Kennedy –Moore. “Your child deserves the chance to try to work things out.”

Bullying at a glance:

• Up to 25% students are often bullied
• Up to 20% bully others frequently
• Boys are more likely to bully others
• Boys are usually bullied by other boys
• Girls are bullied by girls and boys
• 70% of teachers say they almost always intervene
• Only 25% of the students agree with that statement

Source: U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services

Go online for more information:

www.bullying.org
www.cyberbullying.org
www.pta.org (see Parent Resources > Safety)
www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov

Author’s Bio:

Jacqueline Bodnar is a freelance writer who lives in Ormond Beach, Florida with her husband and two children.

Sources:

Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Psychologist and author of: What about Me? Twelve Ways to Get Your Parents’ Attention Without Hitting Your Sister (Parenting Press, 2005) and The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Children Make Friends (Little, Brown, 2003).

United States Department of Health and Human Services. All About Bullying.

Pediatrics. “Do Bullied Children Get Ill, or Do Ill Children Get Bullied? A Prospective Cohort Study on the Relationship Between Bullying and Health-Related Symptoms.” Vol. 117 No. 5 May 2006, pp. 1568-1574