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| Is Parenthood Depressing? Research says: Yes—and when depression affects parents, it also hurts kids. by Debra Gordon
Actually, I was depressed.
While I would never blame my children for my depression, after living with this disease for 15 years, I can clearly see that, despite how wonderful they are, having children certainly contributes to the stressors (including my own doubts about my parenting ability) that tend to trigger my depressive episodes. Turns out I’m hardly alone. A groundbreaking study published in late 2005 found that being a parent—whether mother or father—significantly increases your risk of depression, regardless of race, economic status or gender. “In terms of depressive symptoms, parenthood is not good,” says Robin W. Simon, PhD, of Florida State University who, along with Ranae J. Evenson, PhD, of Vanderbilt University, conducted the study. Yet, she notes, “we still have these cultural beliefs that parenthood is the key to lifelong happiness, and that having children will improve your well-being.” The two researchers analyzed data from the National Survey of Families and Households, which involved interviews with 10,000 adults throughout the country between 1987 and 1988. They found that it doesn’t matter what type of parent you are—custodial, noncustodial, stepparent, adoptive parent, or empty nester—you still have a significantly higher likelihood of being depressed than a similar childless adult. Their study was the first to compare emotional distress in parents to nonparents. Simon is quick to point out that her study didn’t examine the positive side of parenting, like feelings of pride and joy. And she’s aware of another study by another researcher, still under review, that did find greater feelings of joy in parents than nonparents. “So it’s very possible that the costs and benefits of parenthood cancel each other out,” she says. Regardless, the finding that being a parent makes you more likely to be depressed hits mothers particularly hard. Not only do studies find that women are twice as likely as men to be diagnosed with depression in the first place, but they’re most vulnerable during their childbearing years. Surprisingly, however, Simon and Evenson found no gender differences in their research; according to their study, being a parent is just as likely to increase your risk of depression whether you’re a father or a mother, a finding that negates other studies suggesting that parenting is more stressful for women. Speaking from experience, Simon adds, “I have kids and I derive enormous satisfaction from them,” she says. “But I think [being a mother] is a tough, tough job.” And it’s gotten tougher. Today’s parents are more likely to be socially isolated without extended families or friends to share the burden. They get less support from their kids because they tend to have fewer children and to have them closer together, and our expectations of our kids and of ourselves as parents have changed. Plus, she says, we’re more involved in our children’s lives these days. “Today, if your kids aren’t doing so well, you wonder what’s wrong with you,” she notes. And while parenting young children is physically stressful, with its lack of sleep and constant demands, parenting older kids is emotionally exhausting, a finding that helps explain why even empty nesters don’t have a significant benefit when it comes to depression compared to those without children.
While a woman’s depression has numerous implications for her own health, including a significantly higher risk of suicide, heart disease and osteoporosis, it also has significant implications for her children. “If a mother is depressed, we know that half of her children will have some behavior problem,” says Myrna Weissman, PhD, a professor in the department of psychiatry at Columbia University in New York City. In fact, children of depressed mothers are two to three times more likely to have behavioral problems, anxiety or depression themselves than kids whose mothers are not depressed. Certainly some of this is related to genetics, she says; but genes aren’t the whole story. “What’s required to trigger these problems in kids is environmental stress,” she says. And having a depressed mother can be incredibly stressful to kids (as I learned on that long-ago February morning). “If you’re depressed, you don’t have energy, you feel hopeless and it’s very hard to take care of children because they’re very demanding,” says Weissman. It’s also very hard to listen to your kids because you don’t have much of an attention span. You’re also more likely to be irritable and more inclined to lash out at your children (as I also learned that February day). In fact, the effect of a mother’s depression on her children is so significant that it can even cause depression in infants, says Kathleen Kendall-Tackett, PhD, a research associate professor of psychology and author of Hidden Feelings of Motherhood: Coping with Mothering Stress, Depression and Burnout (Pharmasoft Publishing, 2005). That’s because depressed mothers are not as responsive to their infant’s cues, which is incredibly stressful to the baby. “Babies just shut down if they don’t get a response,” she says. The depressed mother disengages from her older child just as she does from her infant. “So she doesn’t really know her kids,” says Kendall-Tackett. And when she does engage with them, that interaction is more likely to be angry and intrusive, which can sidetrack the relationship. This can lead to children becoming caregivers. “The kids are forced to grow up and take care of the parent,” she explains. “They’re always trying to engage the parent and assess her mood. It puts kids in this parental role that isn’t healthy.”
One of the best things a depressed woman can do to protect her kids is to get treatment for her depression. In a study Weissman and her colleagues conducted as part of their longer-term research on depression, they found that once a mother’s depression improved with treatment, her child’s behavior and symptoms also significantly improved—with no treatment. In their study, the researchers found that over a third of the children of depressed mothers had a current psychiatric disorder, primarily anxiety and depressive or disruptive behavior disorders, and almost half had a past psychiatric disorder. Once their mothers improved, however, the rate of psychiatric disorders in the children dropped 12.3 percent in three months, compared to a 6 percent increase in the rates of diagnosed disorders for children whose mothers’ depression did not improve. “At a time when there are many questions about the appropriate and safe treatment of psychiatric disorders in children, these findings suggest that it is important to provide vigorous treatment to mothers if they are depressed,” Weissman and her colleagues noted. Unfortunately, depressed women with children are less likely to seek treatment than depressed women without children. In her study, Weissman expected to see twice as many women with children as they did, given rates of depression in this age group. Finding childcare, arranging transportation, even recognizing depression in themselves are all difficulties that might keep mothers from getting the help they need, she says. I didn’t need Weissman or other researchers to tell me the potential effects of my depression. I could see it in my children’s faces when I went into a rage, or was too tired or sad to do anything fun with them. A few weeks after what I still call the “vacuum cleaner episode,” I contacted my doctor and together we worked to readjust my medication. Two years later, after another major depressive episode, I added psychotherapy to the mix, a combination that studies find works better than either medication or therapy alone to treat serious depression. Today my kids are 20, 14 and 11. They’re healthy, both mentally and physically, and doing great in all aspects of their lives, but I still worry, particularly about the middle one and his short temper. Could it be a sign of an inherited rogue gene? Could it be the effects of my own depression? To try and inoculate them against the effects of my depression, I’ve talked to them about my illness and their own risks. I also remain vigilant about not overdoing it (knowing too much stress can trigger my depression) and continuing my own treatment. I still take medicine every day, still talk to a therapist once a week. It’s expensive, but it’s a small price to pay for my health the health of my children.
Parent Support Line: Suicide Prevention: WEAVE Crisis and Referral:
Kismet Center for Counseling: CSU Sacramento Psychological Services Center: WEAVE Counseling Center: Heritage Oaks Hospital: Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance: The International Foundation for Research and Education on Depression
(iFred): National Institute of Mental Health: |
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