By Shelly Bokman

Let’s face it—parenting is a crazy frenzy of responsibilities. It takes a special event or a crisis for us to stop for a moment and reflect on life itself. Aside from events like a birth or a death, holidays, like Christmas or Hanukah, lead many families to return to their church or spiritual practice; others of us simply turn inward to reflect on life’s bigger questions. Why are we here? What’s the purpose of life? How can I live a more meaningful life? Big questions. Not so simple answers.

And then one day our kids start asking us those big questions. They may be the innocent, curious questions of a tot, or they may be the angst-ridden questions of a struggling teen—but the questions will come. And how we answer them will have an impact on the adults our children become.

In past generations faith provided people with a community, a social network and an extended family to help support and encourage parents in addressing those big questions. Today fewer people are connected through that kind of community. Faith no longer provides that kind of structure in most people’s lives.

Some of us grew up in homes where spiritual concerns were not addressed, leaving us to figure things out for ourselves. Others of us were raised going to church or temple as part of our family routine. But as we moved away from home, we moved away from that faith. It was not relevant to our daily lives, and because it didn’t really seem to be making a difference, we moved it off the to-do list and replaced it with other activities. There are an estimated 15 to 20 million people now in America who say they are Christians but who simply don’t want to be a part of the church. There may be a variety of reasons for this. My 16-year-old nephew informed me not long ago, “Church is boring.” For others, the rules and rituals of religion have may have left them feeling empty, or judged and disconnected, yet as parents, the need to belong, to connect with a community, becomes stronger as we realize our parental responsibility for spiritual development.

So where do we go from here? Like everything else, we teach by example. Research shows that if parents take their faith seriously, then so will their children. Since we’ve decided that these are not easy questions, the search for the answers may take some time. But the key is to start and start now before your child asks those big questions.

Reasons for Returning to the Fold

Some local families have addressed this by heading back to religious communities, by either sending their children to private, religious based schools or becoming involved in churches/temples. There are Buddhist temples, Muslim mosques, Jewish synagogues and churches of every denomination in the Sacramento area. They offer everything from traditional services to full-on contemporary rock-n-roll worship. There are large groups and small; you can try different ones and find where you’re comfortable with the belief system, the people and the children’s programs. Many religious groups have events or programs that are open to the public: festivals, vacation bible schools for kids, concerts, or classes. This can be a good way to get a feel for a new community of people.

Wendy Weber of Fair Oaks says, “I came to church because my daughter wanted to go.” While her original intention was to just hang out in the back row and be “invisible,” she has since become very involved, grown in her faith and found the church home that she didn’t really realize she needed.

As the heart of the entire Jewish community in Sacramento, Shalom School ties everyone together. I spoke with Shelli Lavendar, the K-6 director of the school. While she was quick to point out that families come to Shalom for a variety of reasons, she does believe that many parents choose the school as a way to reconnect with their Judaic roots. Other parents come in an effort to give their children the Judaic upbringing they never had. She said it is fun to watch as these children end up teaching their parents Hebrew and other traditions, and the entire family grows in their faith and the joy of sharing it. The Shalom School staff sees itself as partnering with parents. They educate children about the various traditions in Jewish culture and remain respectful of differing beliefs.

Toni Peverini’s son attended parochial school in Citrus Heights until he graduated from 8th grade last year. While she was hesitant to let go of that faith-based community, he really wanted to go to public high school. Her compromise with him was that he could attend the local high school as long as he became involved in the high school group at their church. She sent the message that spiritual development is a priority.

Raising “Good” Kids

Jeannine Barrett of Cool, mom to seven children, ages 4 to 19, also believes it is a priority. Barrett says, “I really wanted to raise my children to be ‘good.’ After observing different children's personalities and different parenting styles, I began to search for what ‘good’ really meant, and how to teach it. I knew that I wanted my children to be kind, patient, gentle and caring. I wanted them to be motivated and full of love and joy, and not be selfish. These were the morals that I valued as an adult, but had difficulty finding in families."

Barrett discovered a community of other families, with the same concerns, at her local church. "I was surprised as a young mom that my search led me to the local church, and the words of the Bible. I have found that being a part of a community church has not only allowed my children to build close relationships with peers and adults, but it has also given us opportunities to get involved in people's lives when they really needed help. We have had many chances to give to others and put their needs in front of our own. I think this is what ultimately makes someone ‘good.’ I have tried to show my children that when they live with high moral standards, they will find the path to adulthood less difficult. My children seem to have joy and hope, even when life is difficult. I attribute that to the close association they have with other Christians and what the Bible teaches.”

This idea of community, relationships and connection resounded through all the people I spoke with about spiritual development. K.J. Stephens, Senior High Pastor at Bayside Church in Granite Bay believes that each student needs an adult who knows their name and is passionate about them. Someone, in addition to a parent, they can have a relationship with, get to know and turn to when the going gets rough. His youth group is all about connecting students with God, and with other people.

Compassion in Action

Recently, in an effort to connect and understand others beliefs, the SALAM (Sacramento Area League of Associated Muslims) youth group was invited by the youth at Congregation B'Nai Israel in Sacramento to visit their synagogue. The students at B'Nai Israel did a brief presentation about their facility and shared some basics about Judaism. Then both groups engaged in a lively and informative Q & A session about their faiths. The act of explaining and sharing their beliefs is a powerful process for young people.

Some even younger students put their beliefs into practice this past weekend as over 800 people gathered at William Land Park for Hope Walks, a fundraiser for AIDS/HIV orphans in Africa. While this was an inspiring event, the most amazing thing for me was the group of 5th and 6th graders from a local church who, all by themselves, raised $6,000 for these children half a world away. This is truly community and compassion in action, and a powerful example of how religious community helps families live their beliefs. When, as parents, we raise our children with this sort of experience, we are saying to our children—faith matters. Faith gives us answers to the big questions and a framework to help us live better lives.