Take The Quiz!

Read the four statements and choose which one most closely resembles how you approach your children. Don’t take a long time to think this through; go with your first instinct. (Would your children agree with your answer?)

DECISION MAKING
a. My children ask my opinion, but generally they make their own decisions.
b. I make most decisions for my children without asking their opinions.
c. I ask my children for their opinions, but I make most important decisions.
d. I let my children make their own decisions.

CHORES
a. My children help out in our home only when they want to.
b. My children have a list of chores that they must complete each week. I assign the tasks.
c. My children have chores to do each week, and we frequently work together to complete them.
d. My children have no chores and responsibilities in our household.

MONITORING
a. I do not monitor my children’s homework; that’s their responsibility.
b. I check my children’s homework each night against their list of assignments.
c. I am available to help my children with their homework if they ask, and I check in with them each day to see that tomorrow’s work is ready.
d. I do not care about how my children do in school; in the long run, it doesn’t matter.

CONSEQUENCES
If my sixteen-year-old came home after a night of drinking, I would:
a. Ignore it; teens drink.
b. Ground him or her for a month.
c. Talk to him or her about it and go over our house rules about alcohol.
d. I probably wouldn’t know; I don’t wait up for my children.

DISCIPLINE
When my three-year-old throws food in a restaurant, I:
a. Distract her with a toy or DVD.
b. Yell at her, “Stop it now!”
c. Ask her to help me clean it up and then tell her if she does it again, we will need to leave the restaurant.
d. Ignore her.

SETTING LIMITS
When my twelve-year-old asks to go to a boy/girl party, I:
a. Say yes and drive my child there.
b. Say, “No, twelve is too young for such parties.”
c. Call the parents where the party is to be held to make sure they are going to chaperone, and talk with my child about my expectations.
d. Say yes and tell him to get a ride.

The Four Parenting Styles
The four parenting styles are known by parenting researchers as Permissive, Authoritarian, Authoritative, and Uninvolved/Neglectful. All four styles are considered to be “normal” styles of parenting.

Permissive
If you chose more “A’s” than anything else, you are probably a “Permissive” Parent. Permissive Parents tend to be more responsive to their children’s needs than demanding. Permissive Parents regularly consult with their children, give lots of explanations for their decisions, and allow their children to basically decide their own behaviors. Although close to their children, they make few demands on them for conformity, orderly behaviors, or chores. This is the parent who lets a preschooler strew toys all over the living room and leave them there. This is the parent who lets adolescent children leave the house without knowing where they are going, who asks where they went when they return but without much comment, and who involves their children in all family decisions. Such parents may look the other way when their teens come home after drinking and may allow their teens to have sex with a boyfriend or girlfriend in their homes. Their slogans might be “Boys will be boys” and “That’s what teenagers do.”

Authoritarian
If you chose more “B’s” than anything else, you are probably an “Authoritarian” Parent. Authoritarian Parents reverse the permissive approach: they are more demanding of their children than responsive to their needs. They set clear rules and boundaries, and often hold their children to an absolute standard of conduct. They tend to be harsher in their discipline. These are the parents who select which toys their preschooler plays with at a specific time, insist the child put those toys away, and often rely on “because I said so” as the explanation for rules. These are the parents of an adolescent who tell him or her never to drink, smoke, or have sex because there will be dire consequences. They set curfews without engaging their teen children in the decision, and they punish them severely when curfews are not met. Their slogans might be “Just say no,” “Do as I say,” and “Because I’m the parent—that’s why.”

Affirming
If you chose more “C’s” than anything else, you are probably what the parenting experts have labeled “Authoritative.” I have renamed this style the “Affirming” Parent to avoid confusion with the “Authoritarian” style and to broaden the concept: I want to emphasize the idea of “affirming” all that is wonderful about your child. It’s vital to affirm children’s self-worth, to affirm their importance not only in your life but in the world at large, and to affirm the special qualities that each of them has to offer.
Affirming Parents are both nurturing and firm. They run their families as a “limited democracy.” They love their children extravagantly, but it is clear that they are in charge. They are equally demanding and responsive. They set clear standards for their children’s behaviors, but offer explanations for these standards and are open to give-and-take with their children about what the standards for present and future conduct should be. They affirm their child’s good qualities. They are actively involved in their children’s and teens’ lives but allow their children age-appropriate independence. They probably sit down to play with their children with their toys and help them clean them up until all is put back. As the parent of an adolescent, they jointly agree upon a time for curfew and what the consequences will be if curfew is missed. They share with their children their values about drinking and sex, but also tell them to call if they need a ride and to use birth control and condoms if they do have sexual intercourse. Their children have chores that they are expected to do as members of the family. Rather than using psychological control, they seek to give their children opportunities to develop their own thoughts and feelings and the skills to express them. One might call these Goldilocks parents: neither too strict nor too permissive, they seek to get it “just right.”

Uninvolved
A parent who chose mostly “D’s” might be considered “Neglectful” or “Uninvolved.” Not many of these parents are likely to be taking the time to read this. These parents are low in responsiveness and demandingness, although not rejecting or abusive of their children. They live in parallel universes with their children and become involved only when they have to. Their children are not expected to help out around the home, nor do they check in much with their parents when they are adolescents.
While they aren’t considered abusive, in my mind Uninvolved Parents leave their children feeling insecure and unwanted.

Stock Your Parenting Toolbox
Discover the six tools of Affirming Parents in this month’s issue of Sacramento Parent or go to www.21stCenturyParent.com for more tips, plus encouraging news, for modern moms and dads.

From What Every 21st-Century Parent Needs To Know, by Debra W. Haffner. Copyright © 2008 by Debra W. Haffner. Reprinted by permission from Newmarket Press.