Our family includes three dads, two moms and two kids (and
thirteen grandparents!) Here is the basic story of how our blended family
came to be: Shelley married
Rod, and they had Connor. Meanwhile, Jill married Mike, and they had Jack.
Both those marriages ended in divorce. Then Jill married Rod (yep, the same
Rod who Shelley was once married to, a.k.a. Connor’s Dad), and Shelley
married Steve. (Mike, a.k.a. Jack’s Dad, has not remarried.) We share
50% custody of the boys, who consider themselves brothers though they're
not biologically related. Half the time, Shelley and Steve have Connor, while
Mike has Jack. Then, Rod and Jill have both boys. Connor is now 7 and Jack
is 5 years old.
This wasn't intentional. Divorce was not on our radar. But it happened. After
our worlds collided, we all decided we wanted to co-parent our sons in a way
that would defy the “broken family” stereotype, preserve our sanity,
and ensure that our children are as happy and unaffected by divorce as humanly
possible. This means coming together for birthdays, holidays, school functions
and the boys' sporting events. It’s a potentially tense situation that
plenty of modern families find themselves in, but we not only manage to make
it work, we actually enjoy getting together, thanks to the friendship that
we have created between us as moms and thanks to Rod, Mike and Steve, who know
first-hand that sharing the role of father can be complicated, but it doesn't
have to be.
Dads First
Mike admitted that, at first, "Having a stranger raise my child was incredibly
unsettling." That's an understatement. No parent considers this a possibility
when holding their child for the first time. Nauseating panic erupts when divorce
dictates that someone else will influence your child as much (or even more)
than you. Mike worried that he would not be able to spend enough time with
Jack, and he didn’t want his son to “have to deal with the split
family scenario."
Rod experienced similar worries. "I needed to make sure
that Connor was going to be okay and that he would be taken care of regardless
of where he
called home."
By working together, the family doesn't feel as "split" as
it otherwise would. Rod, Mike and Steve bring different perspectives to
our family dynamic,
yet they agree that the benefits of being friendly with each other are numerous.
Rod and Mike see their sons more often than the typical 50% custody arrangement
allows. By spending time together, they're more active participants in their
children's lives, getting to spend more time with the boys.
"I have no problems sharing the role of father,” says Rod, “especially
if we have the same goals and parenting styles." Rod is the only father
in our family who is both father (to Connor) and stepfather (to Jack). (The
boys call their biological fathers "dad" and their other dads by
their first names.) Rod explains, "I love when Connor tells me that he
and his other dad played catch or went to the sporting goods store for baseball
bats. It brings peace of mind knowing they're doing things that are fun. I
also hear the fun things Mike does with Jack. Knowing the boys are active with
parents who love them makes me feel good about our shared role."
We wondered if the “other dads” ever have to deal with feelings
of rejection, playing that supporting role. Rod confided, "Sometimes,
I get slight feelings of rejection from Jack, but I think it's because I'm
oversensitive. When something happens to Jack and I'm there to help and he
doesn't want me, I do feel bad. But, I think with time it won't be an issue."
Steve has no biological children of his own, so his experience
with parenting began when he met Connor, who was four years old at the
time. Steve said, "I've
really never felt any rejection from Connor. We know Rod is his 'real' dad
and I try not to let my ego or emotions get in the way of that… I really
don't feel that I 'share' the role of father,” says Steve. “Rod,
Connor's dad, has shared it with me. I'm proud and honored that Rod trusts
me and knows I love his son as my own."
Friends Second
Rod, Mike and Steve forged their friendships over time and in a very organic
way. They never needed to be prodded along or forced into male-bonding, Hallmark
card ("I-love-you-man!") moments. But spending time together for
the kids did create plenty of opportunities for them to bond. Rod recalls, "I
felt as though we all connected during Christmas. We hung out, put together
toys and played some Wii. I just remember Mike putting together this giant
slot car racetrack, and I wondered, 'Where is that going to fit in our house?'
It was pretty funny."
The dads say becoming friends has helped allay many of the
concerns they had before getting to know each other better. Rod said, "I
wanted to assure Mike that I'm a good guy and would treat Jack like my
own. I wanted him to
know I was in this for the long haul. With regard to Steve, I wanted to be
sure he treated Connor like a son and was also a positive role model. I wanted
to be sure he was in Shelley and Connor's lives for the long haul too."
Steve responded, "I also wanted Rod to know that I had
good intentions. We got to know each other over time. In fact, I'm looking
forward to boating
with Rod this summer."
Rod said, "I really do enjoy [Mike and Steve’s]
company and genuinely like them. We have very similar interests and our
personalities seem to mesh
just fine. This has made things easier since we're all together so often."
Family Forever
When asked what their favorite part about fatherhood is, all three dads agree
it is time spent with their kids. Mike said, "The best part is being
able to laugh together at the same thing." Rod said, "I love teaching
them new things to try." And Steve said, "Showing Connor how to
hold a bat and watching him look to me for encouragement on the field—there's
nothing better."
The unexpected friendships that have grown between us have profoundly changed
our lives in ways that are still unfolding. Mike explained it best when he
said, "This is an evolution that will continue to develop over time.
Jill, Rod, Shelley and Steve have all been very good to me in allowing entry
into their world so that Jack can benefit from all of our positive interaction." We're
fortunate that these three fathers realize that their roles as dads far outweigh
their labels as ex-husbands and new-husbands.
