Last Splash!

by Jason Adair

Do you suffer from any of the following symptoms?

Increased irritability
Frustration
Sticking to car seats
Profuse sweating
Swollen feet or cankles
That wishing-you-were-in-Antarctica feeling

If you, or your loved ones, have two or more of the following symptoms, you may have contracted gottaswimitis. First off, don’t panic. While potentially fatal, and totally uncurable, there is a treatment that allows millions of Americans like yourself to live a somewhat normal life. It’s a one-step program that begins and ends with you submerging your family in cool water. Bear in mind, I’m not a real doctor (though I have been known to frequently look up diseases on the Internet), but I recommend implementing a “family swim time” at least five days a week

For people with a swimming pool this is a simple and effective way to both keep cool and wear the kids out so that they’ll go to bed on time. If you lack a backyard water source, this idea might seem a little labor intensive, but it doesn’t have to be. Allow me to introduce the newest in hydrotherapy: The water break.

A day at the lake/river/ocean usually requires a lot of effort and preparation, complete with two coolers full of goodies, one large umbrella, seven pounds of beach toys, between five and fifteen towels, three inflatable floatation devices (only one of which will not be destroyed), and one of those hats with the solar panel that runs a small electric fan. Not so with the water break, because the essence of this super-fast after dinner trip to the water is speed.

Packing the bare minimum is what makes this daily constitutional possible. With a family of four, we can get away with five towels, two bottles of water, some fresh fruit, and a life jacket. Did you notice the curious absence of sun block? Let me assure you that this was intentional, and it’s not because I’m itching for cancer. We don’t pack it because we don’t leave the house until after dinner.

There are two reasons for this. The first being that real water breakers find the sun bothersome. The second being that if you head down to a lake or river as the sun is setting, everyone else is going home. And yes, that includes the fellow that brings his dog without a leash and allows him to run all over your towels, and the teenagers who like to light things on fire and use salty language. Wait, there’s one more reason why twilight time is the right time: By the time you get back home, the temperature will have dropped ten degrees and everyone will be ready for bed.

As for where to go to get wet, the American River Parkway has twenty five access points with vehicle parking between Folsom lake and the Sacramento River. And if you live a little farther north, the three forks of the American river offer an incredible diversity of different terrain to choose from.

Taking the family for a swim after a hard day’s work does require more effort than watching television, but we’re reaching the end of that magic time where the light lasts until nine and there’s no homework to mess everything up. So take advantage of that now because there’s going to be plenty of time to sit home at night once summer is over.

Also, if you let gottaswimitis fester, it’s going to be almost impossible to cure during the winter.