Adventures in (Foster) Parenting

You’ve no doubt heard the story of the tortoise and the hare… The tortoise would be me in this instance. It was exactly two years ago that I wrote about the pull I felt toward foster parenting (you'll find it among this month's Online Exclusives). While I’ve always wanted to foster kids, it’s taken me this long to make the leap. I’ve spent the last few months going through the process and I’d like to share the questions I’ve faced and the answers I’ve uncovered on my way to getting officially certified.

Emergency or Long-Term Care?
The first thing I discovered was that there are two kinds of foster care in California: emergency care and long-term care. When children ages six through seventeen are removed from their home or lose a parent, they are placed in an emergency shelter. They can remain in the shelter for a period of thirty days while social workers attempt to contact a family member (grandparent, aunt, uncle, etc.) who is willing to take the child. If they are unsuccessful after thirty days, the child is placed in a foster home.

It’s a whole different story for young children. The state does not allow children under six to be placed in a shelter; they must be placed directly in a home, and that means there is a need for families who can take a child newborn to age five at a moment’s notice. The child could be with you for only a day or up to thirty days while the social worker looks for a family member. You are basically taking the place of the shelter for these little ones, and you can only begin to imagine how frightened and confused they might feel. Was I up for this emotional, unpredictable way of life?

Foster or Foster/Adopt?
The foster agencies like when you are open to both, though it is by no means necessary. If a parent loses their rights, a child becomes eligible for adoption. Everyone’s hope is that a child placed in foster care can be adopted by this same family, and not have to make another transition to a different home, so, after the thirty-day emergency care period, young children are usually placed in a home that is open to adoption, in case they have to cross that bridge.

Teenagers, on the other hand, even if they become eligible for adoption, often aren’t interested in being adopted and just want to ride out their high school years until they can get on with life.

I have chosen to be certified for foster care only, though I don’t doubt that at some point a child may find a home deep enough in my heart that I might go through the adoption process as well. The agency happily lets you change your mind.

Cheerios or Poisonos?
I have to admit I was a nervous wreck in the days before the home study. No matter how well you’ve vacuumed and tidied up, there is something intimidating about someone “inspecting” your home. The woman who came was very nice. And while it was completely awkward that someone I just met minutes earlier was now opening all my kitchen cabinets and closets, I did survive. I understood that her job was to make sure I didn’t have rat poison stored next to the Cheerios.

When she did find something I needed to change, she simply made a note for me and explained the logic, all without making me feel like I had done something wrong. I had to get a trash can with a lid; I had to move all my cleaning products up out of reach—easy enough; and any paint, medications or toxic items had to be locked up. The most time-consuming task was emptying out my college-age son’s closet. I found everything from skateboards and snowboarding paraphernalia to pirate flags and stuffed animals, and about a billion guitar picks (give or take). Nothing I had to do was costly (it was mostly just rearranging); it just took time. Luckily, she gave me a few weeks to do everything before she came back for the final walk-through.

What Next?
The paperwork is now done, my home is approved, and I have made all the necessary decisions. I’ve agreed to take children of any age, which means teens who’ve been through a ton of “stuff” in their young lives and the little ones who need spur-of-the-moment emergency care. As a former preschool teacher, I couldn’t resist. (I knew I saved Good Night Moon and all those little kid books for some reason!)

I’m excited and nervous at the same time. I’ve yet to get my first child, but my social worker did call about a five-year-old little girl while I was writing this story. So… the adventure of foster parenting is about to begin.

Shelly Bokman is the Editor-in-Chief of Sacramento Parent Magazine. She has three grown children who are eagerly supporting her venture into foster parenting with Koinonia Family Services (800-700-6523). Call for more information on foster parenting, or contact any of the other foster agencies in this issue.