Hover Much? Help for Helicopter Parents

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to protect our children. In fact, when parents swoop in to the rescue, kids learn their needs will be met and they can rely on their parents for help when they really need it. Protective parents generally raise secure and confident kids, but kids’ confidence and self-esteem begin to fade when their parents’ behavior goes beyond “protective” and enters into that no-fly zone of “overprotective.”

When parents start holding a permanent hover pattern above their children, ready to meet their every need (no matter how small) or rescue them from any situation (including those they are perfectly capable of getting themselves out of), then they become “helicopter” parents, a modern moniker for a dynamic that has been around for generations.

It describes that brand of codependent weirdness exhibited by the mom who climbs in the sandbox and inserts herself between preschoolers during a play date (just to make sure everyone is playing nice). Granted, that’s kind of extreme, but more subtle examples abound—from the mom who feeds her toddler even after that toddler can feed himself to the dad who still does laundry for his college sophomore.

Ken Haller, M.D., and associate professor of pediatrics at Saint Louis University School of Medicine, suggests the following resolutions for helicopter parents who want to ditch their old hover pattern this school year:

1. Help kids practice problem solving. 
Encourage your children to discuss their problems, but let them come up with their own solutions. Problem solving is a great way for children to learn and grow.

2. Let your child experience self-reliance.
Steer clear of battles such as disputing your child’s grade, discipline, placement on a team or squabbles with friends. Instead, enable your child to properly deal with his or her problems by asking what should be done and offering possible solutions. If you need to discuss your child’s progress with a teacher or coach, remember to make an appointment (or use e-mail). This shows respect for instructors’ busy schedules.

3. Allow students to succeed, on their own.
Remember that your job is to create a situation where your child can succeed. Provide a routine time for homework in a quiet, well-lit study area with the necessary supplies, and let your child do the rest. Be available to answer questions and clarify instructions, but avoid giving the answers or doing the work yourself, even if the assignment seems too difficult. Even if your child gets fewer answers right on the assignment, he will have learned much more, and the teacher will be able to accurately gauge where more help is needed.

4. Raise a responsible young person.
Hold your children accountable, and let them suffer the consequences of their actions. Especially by middle school, it is important to make your child responsible for studying, bringing homework home and turning assignments in.

5. Encourage independence.
If you’re concerned that your child is the victim of bullies or peer pressure, discuss your concerns with your child. Brainstorm appropriate responses, but try not to interfere at school unless your child is in danger.

Bringing our “helicopter” habits in for a landing isn’t always easy. Letting your preschooler dress herself requires a little more time in your already busy morning and a lot more patience. (It might also mean enduring double-takes from passers-by who notice her funky fashion sense.) Watching kids agonize over their problems (whether it’s math homework or a broken heart) means certain agony for parents too, but there’s nothing like the light in their eyes when they work it out all on their own, and kids can only take flight after we’ve cleared the path for take-off.