To Spank or Not to Spank?

Q: My husband sees nothing wrong with spanking, but I’m against it. What’s the best way to discipline our child without being abusive, physically or verbally?

Parents often disagree when it comes to discipline, and spanking is highly controversial. But the truth is most parents have spanked their child at least once. When deciding whether or not to spank, you’ll want to talk through your ideas about discipline with your partner and listen carefully to his ideas. To start you can ask, “What are our parenting goals?” and “What do we want our child to gain from our parenting?”

You can also ask yourselves how you and your child feel after spanking. If you have any negative feelings, you may decide to use other forms of discipline, such as time-outs, behavior charts, loss of privileges, or natural consequences, along with praise or rewards for good behavior.

Discipline with Dignity (and Results!)

Research shows that while spanking stops behavior in the short term, long-term effects include increased aggressiveness and behavioral problems, lower moral development, and a negative impact on the parent/child relationship. Keep in mind too: it is not safe to spank children when we are angry, since this increases the likelihood that children will be hurt or abused.

The word “discipline” means “teaching and learning” while “punishment” means “behavior learned by fear or a desire to avoid penalty.” Talking to children about their behavior and consequences helps them learn how to make good decisions on their own. When parents do this regularly, research has shown that kids make the better choice – even when they think they won’t be caught.

Overall, whether or not you choose to spank, thinking about and planning your discipline techniques with your partner will help you respond to your child more calmly, consistently, confidently and effectively.

Terrah Tillman, Marriage and Family Therapist, has a private practice in Sacramento. She specializes in treating infants, toddlers, preschoolers, pregnant parents, and families. You can contact her at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .