Managing Meltdowns

Managing Toddlers'
Monster Meltdowns
By Terrah Tillman, MFT

Q: When my 24-month-old doesn't get his way, he throws a huge fit. It's so embarrassing! The only thing that helps is giving him what he wants. I am afraid I am spoiling him, but what else can I do?

First off, you are not alone. Though they are never fun to deal with (especially in public), two-year-olds' infamously terrible tantrums are a normal part of development, so nearly all parents get what you’re going through.

At the same time toddlers are growing into that “I can do it!” stage, they lack the language skills to communicate their needs effectively. It’s a recipe for frustration. Tantrums are often a way of releasing that built-up stress. As parents, our goal is not to stop toddlers’ tantrums but to guide their behaviors and teach them.

COMMON PITFALLS
Giving in to a child’s demands—while tempting (as you know)—just teaches him that all he has to do is kick and scream, and eventually he’ll get his way. This typically leads to bigger and more frequent meltdowns.

Empty threats, such as, “I am going to leave you here,” are not effective either. Children learn very quickly whether or not you will follow through on what you say.

Angry reactions (yelling, punishing, etc.) are common too, but this only adds to the frustration.

Time-outs that put a child in his room, away from parents, take away the opportunity to teach self-soothing skills to little ones.

HELPFUL STRATEGIES
Consider the cause. What is stressing your child: family stress, daycare, over-stimulation, hunger, tiredness?

Stay calm. When a child begins throwing a tantrum, remember this is very normal; take a deep breath.

Don’t try to reason. During a meltdown, a different part of your child’s brain is engaged. He can’t make logical decisions or engage in a constructive discussion.

Reflect their feelings. Empathize, and try to help your child link his feelings to the situation by reflecting to him, “You are really mad because you wanted another candy.” Providing your child with the words he needs, but is too young to articulate on his own, helps him feel less frustrated and more understood.

Eventually, your son will be able to express his emotions appropriately instead of throwing a big fit. In the meantime, allow him to cry and get out his frustration; you can stay nearby, but don’t engage him by giving attention to the behaviors. When he is ready, offer him a big hug to help him feel safe, secure and calm. Redirect him to something positive, and pat yourself on the back for getting through another meltdown.

Terrah Tillman, MFT, has a private practice in Sacramento. She specializes in treating families with young children. Contact her at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .