Trusting My Heart

A local mom shares the heartbreak, 
hope and joy of growing her family.
By Abby Smith

My husband, Adam, and I were the happy birth parents of a son and daughter we loved and adored, yet we both felt our family was not quite complete. Adam and I both come from families that have been touched by adoption, so we had experienced firsthand the overwhelming joy and staggering hardships that it can bring. We also understood the daily, ever-changing trials and rewards of raising kids from our experiences with our birth children. After a few years of ponderous thought and prayer, we decided in June of 2008 to grow our family by adopting through the foster care system.

It took roughly six months of preparation, training and searching before our children were placed with us. The most difficult part of this process had to be the matching phase, as so many children need a permanent, loving home! Our agency, Families For Children, worked with us, hand-in-hand, during this amazing yet terrifying process. Admitting we were not the right family to help certain children was distressing. Actually connecting to a child and hearing “no”—that’s heartbreaking. 

Then, in December, our social worker introduced us to our new wide-eyed seven-year-old son and adorable five-year-old daughter. We instantly knew they were that missing piece in our life and we were the family meant for them. Brother and sister, everyone involved wanted to see them stay together. 

LIFE, LOVE & THE UNEXPECTED

We all had an instant connection, but that’s not to say the transition from a family of four to a family of six was an easy one. We had our existing six-year-old daughter and eight-year-old son, and knew what to expect from them, given most situations. But now we had our two new children, with different histories and experiences from before they joined our family, and life became a little more… unexpected. Watching all our children become close friends and develop deep bonds with each other continues to be a beautiful sight. We watch their habits—both good and bad—rub off on each other, and together we have experienced many new “firsts.” It has been a busy and exciting time for us, as we get to know new and changing personalities, likes and dislikes, fears and interests, all while learning the best way to handle new challenges. Through everything, my husband and I grow closer as a couple, and we are becoming better parents for our children, out of necessity and love.

As part of that growth, our family is embracing our adoptive children’s African American background and educating ourselves on their history and culture. (We are Caucasian.) Race really held no sway on our decision to adopt our son and daughter. We saw two amazing children who needed a loving home, and we knew we were that home. To help our kids grow up happy and proud of themselves and their heritage, we attend a monthly transracial family support group where our children are directly exposed to families similar to ours, and we attend multicultural events around the area. My daughter and I love the multi-hour visits to the salon, and I am becoming a fairly decent braider myself. 

I feel blessed we live in a diverse neighborhood and see more and more transracial families all the time. Still, we get odd looks and rude comments from time to time. The most disheartening ones are those addressed to the kids. It breaks my heart to see their despondent faces, or the tears in their eyes, after they hear something like, “You can’t be sisters!” or “You can’t be brothers!” Let’s all teach our kids that you don’t have to look alike to be a family.

DON'T BE AFRAID

Our children joined our family in January of 2009 and our adoption was finalized in August. Families For Children helped us through each step of the process, from the application to the home study, and all the way through finalization. The costs were minimal, and the rewards are amazing! We still keep in contact with the agency and attend their monthly adoption support group to connect with other parents who have grown their families through adoption. Our children are now 9, 8, 6 and 5 years old. We give thanks for our new family and look forward to loving, enjoying, teaching and learning from all of our children.

My advice to parents considering adopting transracially, or adopting older children, is to not be afraid. Educate and prepare yourself and your birth children the best that you can. Remember that each child is perfectly and uniquely made. Celebrate the small victories, and give your family time to adjust and meld. Trust your heart, and release your expectations.

Abby and Adam live in Sacramento County with their four children. (Names have been changed or omitted to protect the family’s privacy.) Their adoption agency, Families For Children, is a private non-profit with offices in Sacramento and Roseville.