Are You Raising a Praise Addict?

My eleven-year-old son rolled his eyes at me, indicating the woman sitting next to us. Watching my younger son's basketball game, we made the mistake of seating ourselves next to Avery's mom. We listened as she loudly sang her son's praises for an hour, "Yay, Avery, awesome! Good job!" I looked repeatedly, yet never saw anything "awesome!" about Avery's eight-year-old basketball moves.

But Avery knew the drill. Every time he got within five feet of the ball, he turned to see his mother's reaction. Invariably he got one, complete with thumbs up and flailing arms; his mom was only a foam finger shy of a stadium quality spectator. I assume that Avery began playing ball because it was fun. However, the exuberance from his number one fan had drawn his attention away from the game and toward the cheers offered up by his mother. He spent more of the game watching for her approval than he did watching for the ball.

I think for most parents, the use of praise starts with wanting to encourage our children. We begin with an excited "good job!" when our babies start to toddle. We add "good work!" and "beautiful!" as children reach the paper and pencil stage. And now it seems, when they run up and down a basketball court, in close proximity to the ball, they are "awesome."

THE PROBLEM WITH PRAISE
In their provocative new book, Nurture Shock, authors Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman delve into the neuroscience of praise and child development. They conclude that “to be effective… praise needs to be specific.” It also needs to be sincere.

All our enthusiastic responses to average performances are setting kids up for disappointment down the road. Out in the real world, overpraised kids discover that, after years of hearing how fantastic they are, it turns out that they are simply on par with the rest of the world. A child who regularly hears that his drawings are great, is surely going to feel disappointed—and possibly inferior—when his work fails to elicit such comments from people outside of his family. Without that verbal reinforcement, he may feel uncertain about his accomplishment. To mollify himself, he might begin to ask for the kudos. We've all seen a child who is so unsure of himself that he continually seeks approval by asking, "Do you like my painting?"

Whether it’s verbal kudos, incentive programs, or awards, the casual use of praise in our culture has created a nation of praise junkies. According to Alfie Kohn, author of Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes, offering up a "good job!" doesn't reassure children, but rather makes them feel less secure and may begin a vicious circle; the more we praise children, the more kids seem to need it, so we praise them some more…

The trouble with tossing out approving phrases like doggie biscuits is that these phrases are terribly judgmental. A child accustomed to hearing "good job!" constantly may begin to wonder what no comment means. If she's not told that her work is good, does that mean it's bad? The use of verbal strokes and sneaky incentives does our children a disservice in the end.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not proposing that parents turn a cold shoulder on our kids. I'm simply suggesting that we stop and think about the effects of praise. Parents may very well be unconscious they are even doing it. Offered up innocently in the beginning, as it grows more comfortable flowing off our tongues, it often becomes a cop out. Offering a child a distracted "Good job!" is easier than disengaging from the adult world to see what a child is really doing. While an encouraging comment will do wonders to improve a child's outlook, using praise unconsciously can lead kids to perform for the ego stroke rather than working to fulfill a personal goal. When that happens, the opportunity to feel successful about their accomplishments gets lost in their attempt to please us, and instead of helping their self-esteem, it can actually hurt.

JUDGEMENT vs. ENCOURAGEMENT
Terrah Tillman, a Sacramento-based Child and Family Therapist, suggests parents avoid labeling or judging kids’ behaviors, and try instead to offer specific feedback that reflects kids’ efforts and process. “For example,” says Tillman, “when Billy shares his toy with another child, instead of saying ‘Good job!’ you can say, ‘I see that you shared your toy. Look at how she is smiling. That made her happy. Thank you for being friendly.’”

During my kids' preschool years, I saw firsthand the difference between praising children and offering unconditional encouragement. Some kids started the preschool program with a preconceived notion that every project they completed warranted a standing ovation. "Look what I made!" they'd announce, parading around the room with their drippy painting, waiting for the praise to begin. I learned much from the teacher's reaction. Rather than spew the accolades that were expected, she stopped and really looked at the picture, often kneeling to the child's level. She didn't judge the painting, or offer praise. She simply verbalized what she saw, and more often than not, drew the child into a conversation about the picture: "You sure used a bold stroke of purple there; how did you make it?" The children—along with the observing parent volunteers—discovered that sincere interest in their work was more gratifying than having it casually praised. In short order, the kids who joined the program expecting to receive accolades for their work began to depend less on extrinsic motivation and started taking more risks in their creative endeavors.

Walking the fine line between encouraging and praising is tough, but how can a child improve his skills if he only gets glowing reports? My kids—older now— participate in Destination Imagination, a creative problem solving program in which teams work for six months to solve a very difficult challenge. At each weekly session, the team gets closer to the ultimate solution, in spite of frequent difficulties. As team manager, if I used blanket praise, the kids might feel proud for a fleeting moment, but I'd be missing an opportunity to guide them on their problem-solving way to a successful solution. By summing up their accomplishments in a non-judgmental way, and directing their attention to what needs work, I try to support their efforts without undermining their self-esteem. "You finally managed to mount the wheels! Have you given any thought to how you'll make them spin?" is much more helpful to the team than an all-purpose "good job!" and a lot less judgmental.

Kids aren't stupid. Sooner than we think, they start to see through our rave reviews of their every move. In no time, poor Avery will come across a teammate who will break it to him—not so gently—that his basketball skills need improvement. I can only hope that his mom realizes this before she forks out for that foam finger.


Placerville author Kris Bordessa is a mother of two and writes regularly about family activities. Her latest book is Great Medieval Projects You Can Build Yourself. Visit her online at krisbordessa.com.