Talking Points for “The Talk”

By Amber Madison

In the United States, nearly one in three girls will get pregnant before she turns 20, and half of all young adults will get an STD by the time they turn 25.* If you’re the parent of a tween or teen, you’ve probably come to the hard realization that you’re going to have to speak with them about sex. Will it be embarrassing? Possibly. Awkward? Most likely. But will it also make your kids less likely to become a statistic? Without a doubt. According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 87% of teens say that it would be easier for them to delay sex and avoid pregnancy if they were able to have more open conversations with their parents.

If you’ve been putting off those discussions because you don’t know where to start, then here are the talking points you’ve been waiting for. I've spent the past eight years speaking with teens about sex, and these are the top things you MUST tell your kids:

1. Oral sex is sex.
Yes, you can have oral sex and still be a virgin, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a big deal physically (you can still get STDs), psychologically or emotionally.

2. The Web is a public space.
Anything posted on the Internet lasts forever, and texts can be shown to anyone. If it’s not something you would say or show to a large group of people, don’t post it on Facebook and don’t send it in a text or e-mail.

3. Using a condom is just part of sex.
Using a condom shouldn’t feel awkward, and it shouldn’t insult or upset your partner. Using a condom is just part of sex, and any partner who cares about you will be happy to use one.

4. A word to girls…
Having sex isn’t going to make someone care about you, change the course of your relationship, or create feelings that aren’t there.

5. A word to guys…
Sex is a big deal for guys too. It’s not something you should feel automatically ready for just because you’re a guy.

Please, don’t stop here. Ideally, parents and kids have a sort of ongoing, open dialogue about sex, love and relationships, one that grows as your kids grow and allows you to provide accurate, age-appropriate answers to their questions (hopefully, with a minimum amount of stammering and blushing).

*Sources: the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy; the American Social Health Association.

Amber Madison is an award-winning sex educator, lecturer and author. For more advice on talking about the birds and the bees with your teens and tweens, check out her new book, Talking Sex with Your Kids.