We Are Family

Journeys of the Heart
By Brandy Tuzon Boyd

The reasons to adopt are unique to each person who chooses this route to parenthood. Some stories begin with infertility struggles. Other couples have had biological children, but they know they have a lot to offer kids in need of a loving home. Still others, themselves adopted as children, find they want to give back some of the love and support their adoptive parents gave them.

Here four local moms share why they chose adoption, and never looked back:

Heartbreak and Healing

Robynne Rose endured three miscarriages with her husband, Tom McDonagh, before she got pregnant with their son, Cade.

Born prematurely, at 28 weeks, Cade had to remain in the hospital for two months before coming home.

When the Natomas couple decided to grow their family and suffered a fourth miscarriage, they decided it would be easier to adopt and chose to do so out of state.

“We got really lucky,” says Robynne. "We submitted all the paperwork in July 2003 and anticipated waiting a year... We were called that August and told somebody was a match for us. We needed to meet her right away because she was due in September.”

Robynne says her daughter, Kelsey, now 5, knows her birth mother and has met her biological grandparents many times.

“We feel blessed,” says Robynne. “We have a bigger, extended family now.”

Saving Ivan

Danielle and Ben Nichols always knew they wanted four children.

The couple already had three biological offspring of their own when they first heard about Reece's Rainbow, a non-profit organization which facilitates adoption of children with special needs from overseas. [Editor’s note: to learn more about Reece’s Rainbow, read our extraordinary kids column (November, 2010).]

The Nicholses learned that some countries in Eastern Europe do not have a foster care system and that, at the age of 5, children with special needs are often moved from orphanages to live in institutions with adults, where they can become victims of abuse and neglect.

“I started thinking about it and I started talking about it first,” says Danielle. “Then Ben said to go ahead and commit.” With that, the couple decided to add another preschooler, 4-year-old Ivan, to their party of five, giving Toby, 6, Francesca, 3, and Wilamenha, 1, a new brother.That commitment spared Ivan, who was scheduled to be transferred to a mental institution for children before the director of the orphanage in Ukraine learned of the couple's adoption plans.

Ben and Danielle only knew Ivan from the Reece's Rainbow website, but his picture and his story called out to them. “I think we decided on Ivan because he looks so much like Toby,” says Danielle.

The couple started raising money for adoption-related fees and costs to travel overseas to finalize Ivan's adoption and bring him home. What was not donated, they borrowed. At home, they talked every day to their children about Ivan's special needs. “As much as they can,” says Danielle, “they understand.”

From Reece's Rainbow the Nichols knew Ivan had a shunt due to hydrocephalus, a condition involving an excess of cerebrospinal fluid in the brain, which can cause brain swelling and nerve damage. A missionary who visited the orphanage where the little boy lived told the couple that Ivan also had a lazy eye and would need glasses. Once overseas, they learned their new son was one of two surviving quadruplets born prematurely.

“His parents felt that they could not take on two children with special needs, so they left Ivan at the hospital and only took his sister home,” Danielle wrote on her blog, Saving Ivan, which chronicles the family’s story.

While waiting for the required medical exams, passport paperwork and visas, Ben returned to the U.S. and the couple's three other children. Alone for the first time with her new son, Danielle tackled parenting tasks such as potty training, teaching Ivan to brush his teeth for the first time, and coaxing him to get into a bath.

“We have been so lucky this has been fast,” says Danielle. “There really is a great need to adopt special needs kids, especially overseas in Europe.”

Considering Adoption?

Experts advise prospective parents to do their research and be sure they choose what's right for them. Here are more tips for taking those first steps on your own adoption journey:

• State adoption guidelines, FAQs, forms, and directories can be found online at Ca.gov
• If you don't go the public foster-adoption route, work with an agency and/or an attorney you trust
• Attend informational meetings and talk to others who have adopted
• Check out Adoptive Families magazine
• Browse SacramentoParent.com's support page for local information sessions and resources

Amy Enns is a second-generation adoptee. “Dave and I knew it would fit well with our family to pursue adoption at some point,” she says.

Today, the College Greens couple have four children together—two biological, two adopted.

After their son Gabriel was born nine years ago, Dave and Amy were told they would not be able to have more children, so they started the foster-adoption process. After going through all the required classes, the couple brought 3-month-old Maya home. A short time later, they realized they were pregnant with their son Andrew.

“At one point, we had a 3-year-old, 12-month-old, and a newborn,” says Amy.

But the couple was not ready to stop there. Amy and Dave contacted their social worker to inquire about adopting any biological siblings Maya might have. After being told such arrangements were not allowed, they were contacted with news that Maya had a little brother, Elisha, whom two families decided not to adopt because of complications at birth.

“Both [Maya and Eli] were born pos-tox for multiple drugs and alcohol; they were preemies, with brain bleeds,” Amy recalls. “Eli's diagnosis was grim: he was blind, deaf and mentally retarded.”

A few months after they brought Eli home, a pediatrician reversed all those diagnoses. Today their youngest son does not have any of those ailments, although the siblings struggle with ADHD and learning disabilities related to the brain bleeds.

“For us, adoption came really natural, everything came into place with finances and timing,” Amy says. “I love them all.”

A Fun Journey, Every Day

High school sweethearts Jackie and Don Barthel also have four children. “I don't know how it happened,” says Jackie, a Fair Oaks resident. “We just finalized our last adoption about a month ago.”

Ten years ago, the Barthels desperately wanted to start their family. Through research they found the foster-adoption process would be the fastest route. They brought daughter, Emma, and son, Benjamin, home from UC Davis Medical Center within a night of each other.

“It was amazing,” says Jackie, whose sisters also adopted children due to fertility issues.

Years later, when their daughter started talking about having a brother or sister who looked like her, the Barthels adopted little Desmond, who is also African-American.

“We were done,” Jackie remembers. “Three kids were more than we had hoped for, and we were sailing on our way.”

The Barthels believe in open adoption and have maintained relationships with their children’s biological families, including grandparents, aunts and uncles, as well as Emma's older biological sister, Mimi.

Mimi started coming over and hanging out with the Barthels on weekends. Then one day Mimi asked the couple to adopt her—so they did.

“Every day we talk about … what a fun journey it is,” says Jackie. “It's been a delight.”

Brandy Tuzon Boyd is a local mom of two, a freelance writer and journalist, and editor of The Natomas Buzz, a neighborhood news blog covering Natomas and beyond (NatomasBuzz.com).