Beginning Again

The divorce—intense and emotionally draining—is finally over. Now you’re picking up the pieces. Maybe you’re venturing out with friends, even peeking at online dating sites. But the relationship thing, you realize, is different this time around, and even if you’ve learned a few things, balancing family life with your love life still poses plenty of challenges.

Beginning Again: Dating after Divorce
Part 3 in our 3-part series on divorce

By Linda Morgan    

Jenny says her kids, now ages 19, 16 and 14, have felt the fallout of broken relationships. Since Jenny’s divorce, she’s been engaged twice—to the same person. “The kids’ hearts were in that relationship. When we broke it off, it was another big loss for them.”

Should He Meet the Kids?

“It’s important not to rush into introductions,” says Teresa Isela Becerra, Marriage and Family Therapist at Kaiser Permanente South Sacramento Medical Center. “Most relationships begin with a ‘honeymoon phase,’” she cautions.

Dr. Cora Breuner, associate professor of adolescent medicine at Seattle Children’s Hospital, recommends waiting at least three or four months before the kids are introduced to a significant someone. She’d like the couple to survive an argument or two as well. “We’re so careful with other things—making sure our kids are in car seats, the right cribs, the right schools—but we often don’t give this issue much thought.”

This can be tough, of course, especially if your child is encouraging you to start dating again. Explaining why some children do this, Becerra says, “Some kids may feel responsible for taking care of their parents.” They see the message everywhere, in Disney stories and on TV, and they think a romantic relationship will make mom or dad happy.

“It is important that kids understand that their parents will be okay after the divorce,” says Becerra. “Parents should make it clear that they are the ones making the decision when they will feel ready to date again.”

“Ultimately, parents need to have good communication with their children,” Becerra adds. “They should not be afraid to ask them directly what it means to them if mom or dad begins to date.”

When you are finally ready for introductions, be mindful of how your children take the news. “Each child will react differently to a parent’s new significant other,” says Becerra. “It is important to know your children’s temperaments… and be patient enough to allow them to adjust to the new situation.”

Managing the Stress
Things can heat up for the children when one parent has strong views about the other parent’s new boyfriend or girlfriend—and voices those views to the kids. These are the kids who end up with eating disorders, headaches or stomach pain, says Breuner. “They are so anxious and stressed, they can’t get into a relaxed place.”

If the new “friend” caused the divorce, the heat cranks up even higher. “If your relationship started with an affair, you cannot expect your children to welcome your new friend with open arms,” says Robert E. Emery, Ph.D., in his book The Truth About Children and Divorce.

What else makes kids anxious? Parents who let a new boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse act like a parent. “That’s not fair to the child’s other parent and not cool for the child,” says Breuner. “The new person is not the child’s parent and never will be.”

What, then, is the new partner’s role? Think “friend.” He (or she) should work on bonding with the kids and building their trust, especially if he intends to be there for the long haul. “He needs to throw the ball with them, go to the ballet classes, drive the carpools, play the video games. That’s the trust building.”

8 Great Dating Tips for Single Moms
Experts share their advice for building a healthier, happier relationship the second time around… 

 Linda Morgan is the author of Beyond Smart: Boosting Your Child's Emotional, Social and Academic Potential  (ParentMap.com/BeyondSmart). Check out part 1 (Helping Kids Cope) and  part 2 (on Co-Parenting) in her 3-part series helping families deal with divorce.