Slow Parenting

Easy does it 

By Lora Shinn

My daughter was born prematurely, at 34 weeks. At the baby's NICU bed, the nurse said she'd trail behind the "normal" kids for a few years.

So when she was 9 months old, I picked up a set of Baby Einstein cards. Perhaps if I worked with her, she could learn about the color red and how the dog says, "Arf."

"This is a dog," I said. "What does the doggie say?" She reached for the card. She knew what it was! That foolish nurse, she’s not so far behind after all. She is Baby Einstein!

Then she put the card in her mouth and fell over.

After that, we tried the educational DVDs, but I wasn't quite prepared for the glazed eyes, sweaty palms and open jaw at so early an age. And there's no DARE program to keep kids off edu-tot flicks.

I'm far from the only one who bought into the brain-boosting craze. According to Carl Honore, author of the book Under Pressure: Rescuing Our Children from the Culture of Hyper-Parenting, parents around the world are trying to academically prep their infants, creating a self-perpetuating cycle of competition and acceleration.

"The manic and anxious approach to childhood has filtered into the early years," Honore says. We all want to see our child ahead of the pack, not left in the dust.

As new parents, we may inadvertently take up positions in the rat race. We compare sleep and food, weight and height, and milestone after milestone.

“It's about giving childhood the time and attention it deserves,
not worrying about the next goal
or comparing kids to see who's further along.”

Grolnick says anxious parenting behavior is just the flip side of the nurture instinct. That's why parents worldwide fuss over brainy-baby benchmarks. "We couldn't devote all we do to our kids unless we were really invested in them," Grolnick points out.

We want to see our children succeed, Grolnick says, and have since the dawn of time. But concern over whether our child can outrun saber-toothed tigers has morphed into whether he'll attend Harvard.

But, Grolnick says, if we try too hard to control our child's activities or direct their success, instead of allowing them to explore and experiment on their own, it can reduce internal motivation and creativity.

Slow Down, Baby!
Carl Honore says society sends the message that the more stimulation we provide, the smarter our children will end up. So, conventional wisdom insists that if we enroll our babies in enough classes and purchase the learning gadget du jour, we'll produce the supposedly perfect child.  

"In our hurry-up culture, there's a taboo against taking time," Honore says, "and a terror of missing opportunities or falling behind."

Milestone achievements, classes and stimulation easily become external markers for our own success too. So, how can we break free from the pressure to be supposedly perfect parents?

 Get Resources for Slow Parenting:
an ages-and-stages guide to letting babies learn and play at their own pace,
plus recommended reading for more relaxed parenting.

"It's about giving childhood the time and attention it deserves," Honore says, and not worrying about the next goal or comparing kids to see who's further along.

Honore points out that slow parenting requires we let go of the competitive urge and create more space for unstructured family time.

But just as slow food doesn't mean passing on every dish, slow parenting doesn't mean shunning singing sessions. The slow-parenting approach allows parents to truly familiarize themselves with their child's personality and interests, and that may include baby-sign classes or mom-and-infant yoga.

To stay sane and avoid comparisons, slow parenting enthusiasts often look to adult friendships and parent groups for support. And they maintain their own grown-up interests and ambitions, all of which helps them resist the urge to push their little ones.

Because Lora Shinn no longer feels the need to create genius-babies, she has more time to write for Sacramento Parent, as well as national publications like Parenting, Pregnancy and Brain, Child.