The 10-20-10 Rule

The 10-20-10 Rule

By Carol Wallace, MA, MFT 

If your child’s challenging behaviors are creating stress at home, try what I call “The 10-20-10 Rule.” Spend 10 minutes playing or reading together in the morning before school or work, 20 minutes when the family returns home, and then 10 more minutes before bed. What you play or read is not important. Just spending consistent quality time together doing something your child enjoys can help kids of all ages thrive both at home and at school.

Even the healthiest families benefit from these daily doses of art and play “therapy,” but it can be extra-beneficial for kids who undergoing professional art therapy, or those who have suffered trauma or are struggling to resolve emotional issues.

Recently I was working with a 13-year-old (I’ll call him “Trevor”) who had resisted coming to his counseling appointments. He suffered severe abuse and neglect as a child and is now participating in our family-centered intensive services at Stanford Home for Children in Sacramento. With challenges mounting at home and at school, and a natural aversion for traditional therapy, he guardedly agreed to see our new art room.

When he saw the computer station and giant digital painting tablet, that angry, frustrated, rebellious boy just lit up. He exclaimed, “I like computers!” And I knew we had unlocked a door that could open up the healing process for him.

Why Art?

Children who have been through trauma often resist answering even benign questions like, “How was your day?” They are rarely capable of putting words to their feelings, yet the trauma will haunt them until they are able to process what happened. Art therapy—like play therapy—offers kids a way to safely access and process their feelings, without asking them to verbalize painful situations. It also allows the child to direct the process.

Any art medium can be used in art therapy. Big drawing and painting boards can draw in less artistically inspired kids. Digital artwork and personal videos help older children and youth deal with difficult emotions.

And whether your child has suffered a traumatic experience or is just coping with the normal shocks and heartaches of growing up, those 30 minutes of art or play can go a long way toward boosting your whole family’s well-being.

Carol Wallace is a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) and clinical program manager at Stanford Home for Children in Sacramento (StanfordHome.org).