Co-Parenting After Divorce

You’d never know that Ginger and Jerry once lived together as a happy, harmonious married couple, simpatico on most matters life tossed their way. Who knew that parenthood could change all that?

Co-Parenting After Divorce

By Linda Morgan

When Ginger looks back, she realizes she should have seen trouble coming as soon as Jerry began dictating which prenatal vitamins she should take—and when. “Turns out he has control issues,” says Ginger, who’s now divorced. “Sometimes you don’t know how you are going to be as parents until it’s too late.”

Now, like many divorced couples, Ginger and Jerry find themselves deeply entrenched in opposite corners when it comes to raising their two kids, ages 3 and 7. They disagree on pretty much everything: activities (he micro-manages the kids; she lets them make their own decisions); education (he wants private; she wants public); discipline (she’s hard-line; he’s permissive); and playtime (he’s involved and engaged; she’ll say, “Go find something to do”). And there’s more. “When the kids don’t feel well, he’ll race to get them on antibiotics,” says Ginger. “I’ll just offer them lemon juice and honey.”

Which one’s practicing picture-perfect parenting? Probably neither; Ginger and Jerry simply do things differently. “There’s often an ongoing competition among parents, whether married or divorced, as to who is being a better parent,” says Dr. Cora Breuner, associate professor of adolescent medicine. “The problem is, divorced parents can’t have that end-of-the-day ‘pillow talk,’ where they rehash what happened and how they can be on the same page.”

“It’s difficult for parents to give up control over how their children are parented when they are with the other parent,” says Sacramento marriage and family therapist, Terrah Tillman. Divorced couples may take these differences as personal attacks or view them as detrimental to the child. “If the child returns with a skinned knee, mom may assume that dad is being neglectful and not supervising the child well.”

Both worry about what’s going on in the other household. Their window into that household—and the one who ends up being reporter/watchdog/spy—is the child. But kids are hardly the most reliable sources, says Tillman. “You may only get half the story—like when a child reports, ‘We didn’t eat dinner,’ but what you don’t know is they had a big late lunch and that mom offered dinner, and child chose not to eat.”

A child may not tell the whole truth because she’s trying to please one or both parents. “It is extremely difficult and stressful for kids to have to answer questions about the other parent,” says Tillman. Other times kids try to use the situation to their advantage. Tillman offers the oft-heard “but Mom lets us stay up late” as an example.

Different Styles
Differences in parenting style often come into sharp focus when the kids bounce between two residences. Connie, a mother of three—now 20, 19 and 16—became a divorce and parenting counselor after her own divorce 14 years ago.

“My ex was Disneyland Dad,” she says. “My children would come home from a weekend of total freedom and fun, and face rules.” Connie let them know the “no restrictions” concept wouldn’t fly in her house. “I’d say, ‘Do you need some time in your room to remember where you are?’”

Tracy, who’s been divorced for four years, found that her ex-husband parented in a laid-back, unstructured fashion (no regular bedtime, little attention to schoolwork), while she favored a take-charge, always-on-top-of-things style. “I’m type A, he’s type Z,” she says.

After a while, both Tracy and Connie came to the same conclusion: Things work better for everyone when both parents let go, just a little. “You have to figure out what’s within your control and what’s not,” Connie says. “It comes down to, how much do you want to argue? And how do you want your kids to view all this?”

Tracy claims she’s learned to live with the small stuff. “I decided my ex-husband has a right to establish his own rules at his house,” she says. “If we don’t let go of things, the kids are the losers.”

Often, kids blame themselves for the turmoil, says Sacramento therapist, Elly McGeary Fossum. “Children don't have the experience or knowledge to help them cope with the feelings they have when their parents separate and divorce,” she explains. “Children often need to be helped to understand that their parents still love them, even if they aren't living in the same house.”

Adam, a divorced dad, says kids want to see their parents get along—whether they’re married or not. “When you have differences—when you’re continually negotiating and arguing—the child knows it,” says Adam, whose two teenage daughters alternate between his home and their mother’s. “I’ve learned that you and your ex-spouse can’t always feel the same way about things, and that sometimes both points of view have validity.”

Navigating Differences
So, what’s the best way to negotiate parenting differences with an ex?

Talk things over, says Breuner. “Parents will be in a relationship with each other forever, and they need to come to grips with that,” she says. “They should be able to call the other parent and say, ‘We need to discuss these issues.’”

If that effort fails, seek help from a therapist or family counselor. Try scheduling a session or two with the counselor at the beginning of the divorce process.

“It is so essential that divorcing couples treat each other with respect,” says McGeary Fossum. She adds that many don’t realize how strongly children identify with both parents. “Should one parent talk negatively about the other, the children automatically feel that this is something negative about them as well.”

“When parents work together as a team, they let the child know that [mom and dad] are capable of handling the situation,” says Tillman, “which allows the child to feel safe and trust that things will work out.”

Finally, remember that kids are smart and resilient. They can accept that dad and mom—and their parenting styles—are different. When things go well, they learn that issues and disagreements can be resolved, and that parents can move forward and work through problems. McGeary Fossum adds, “It’s one of the most loving gifts parents can give their children.” 

Linda Morgan is the author of Beyond Smart: Boosting Your Child's Emotional, Social, and Academic Potential (ParentMap.com/BeyondSmart). To read part 1 in her 3-part series on divorce, click here. Part 3 will appear in our next issue. It covers dating after divorce, plus tips for blending families.