Are You a Mommy Martyr?

How to get past the guilt, quit keeping score and enjoy everything more

By Mari Farthing

It’s an occupational hazard of modern motherhood: martyrdom. Don’t laugh, mommy martyrs. You know who you are—busily making sure that everything gets done, that everyone is happy, and that every “i” is dotted and every “t” is crossed before you collapse with panache (and a big sigh) into that easy chair.

Certified Life Coach Mary Tucker has seen many women fall into this trap. “There are several reasons for martyrdom,” says Tucker, “including the expectations society sets before us.” Many of us, she says, “mother from our needs, our own reaction to our parenting. We have an expectation of motherhood, about doing it all.” This can develop into an ideal that is unrealistic and unattainable.

“Most women would rather be accused of anything besides being a bad mom,” Tucker points out, yet there’s no harm in our children knowing that we’re human. In fact, making over certain habits might just make you a better, less-stressed mom.

Do you fit the mold?
Not sure if you fit the “mommy martyr” profile? Here are five warning signs:

1.  Do you volunteer for projects and tasks and then resent the amount of work you have to do?

2.  Do you ensure that all the members of your household are groomed, fed, and ready for their day before you even get to your coffee?

3.  Are you so busy with your obligations (family or otherwise) that you don’t have time to get a haircut or make a doctor’s appointment for yourself?

4.  Do your daily obligations make it difficult for you to enjoy a loving relationship with your spouse?

5.  Are you short-tempered with your children because you resent your responsibilities?

Sorry, mom; if you said “yes” to these questions, it’s likely that you fall into the martyr category. So what’s a mommy martyr to do? Tucker suggests thinking about this question: What is my powerful intention as a mother? “Be clear about what motherhood means to you as a woman,” she advises, “and act accordingly.”

Division of Labor 

In their smart, practical, funny new book, Spousonomics, authors Paula Szuchman and Jenny Anderson (an editor for The Wall Street Journal and a New York Times reporter, respectively) serve up tons of real-life anecdotes and great insights for making married life more harmonious. Their advice for those of us mommy martyrs who equate "fair" with a 50/50 split of duties and compulsively compare? Try a new business model. Instead of trading off duties or trying to split chores straight down the middle, they advise couples to sort out your strengths together and agree to a more yin-and-yang division of labor: "Some people are better at, say, making school lunches, while others panic at the sight of a vacuum cleaner... Do what you’re 'relatively' good at and 'trade' the rest."

Guidelines for recovering mommy martyrs:

1. Know your limits.
   “When you know your own limits, other people will recognize them,” says Tucker. If you are approached with a new project, know how much time you must commit and how much time you have available to commit before saying “yes.” With a sheet of paper, chart out your week, and be honest about time spent each day on various tasks, from the mundane (dishes) to the altruistic (volunteer work) and everything in-between. Revise this chart regularly to track your time and energy.
   
2. Make time for yourself.
   When you make your chart, add time for yourself. If this is a new concept for you, that’s okay; make a small commitment here and there—schedule a manicure, an hour of time to read at the library, extra time to run errands you’ve been putting off. Making yourself more of a priority is essential for breaking the martyr mindset.
   
3. Just say no.
   Practice this often and know that it’s okay. You do not have to make someone else’s “emergency” your own. Saying “no” works when dealing with adults and children alike. Yes, sometimes the needs of others are more important than our own, but our lives should not be lived in crisis mode. Giving yourself permission to say “no” when you don’t have to say “yes” will make it easier to deal with those crises when they arise. “Don’t be a victim,” says Tucker. “Be responsible for your boundaries and standards.” Your boundaries are external— giving yourself permission to say “no” when you need to. Your standards are internal—giving yourself permission to say “yes” to caring for yourself.
   
4. Make this your mantra: Multitasking is for martyrs.
   Multitasking can be like a drug—desirable and easy to abuse. It might seem that multitasking would allow us to get more done during our too-short days, but it actually robs us of time. A study by CNN showed that multitasking increased the amount of time needed to carry out tasks when the brain shifted from one to another. So, while multitasking in the form of returning a phone call while doing dishes is fine, combining more tasks may be a recipe for a headache. The ancient philosopher Publilius Syrus wrote, “To do two things at once is to do neither.” Just say no to excessive multitasking.
   
5. Enforce the 10-minute rule.
   Commit 10 minutes of time to something and reap the benefits. If your children are clamoring for fun and attention, get down to their level and play for 10 minutes. If you are in need of a break, sit in a quiet room for 10 minutes. You will be delighted and amazed to see the impact of 10 minutes spent totally immersed in an activity. Overwhelmed by housework? Take 10 and see how much you can get done in one room.
   
6. Get over feeling guilty.
   It’s okay to take time for yourself. If your inner mommy martyr wants to be everything to everybody, remind her that by taking time for yourself, you are refueling for your family and doing your duty as a role model. “It’s important to model appropriate behavior,” Tucker reminds us. So, don’t feel guilty if you sit down alone to regroup—you’re teaching your children that it’s okay to prioritize yourself sometimes.

When we moms show others that we value ourselves along with our families and responsibilities, we are not only taking care of ourselves, we are taking better care of the people we love and modeling positive behavior to the world at large.

Mari Farthing is a wife, mom of two and recovering martyr. Along with "Multitasking is for martyrs," her mantras include, “Don't worry so much about what you cannot control.”