"My daughter's on Facebook! I had no idea..."

 "I stumbled across my 13-year-old daughter’s Facebook page the other day. I had no idea she was using the computer for social networking! How do I set ground rules for social networking? Is it okay to demand she gives me access to all her accounts?

All-Access Parenting
By Lindsey Stewart Plumer, LMFT
 

Try not to think of it as “demanding” access. Instead, think of it as providing a safety net as you teach your young teen how to stay safe. In fact it is a necessity that you have her personal passwords if she is going to continue to use e-mail, Facebook, or any other social networking site.   
 

Here are three more basic ground rules you can set for your child:

1. Only “friending” people she knows in real life (or “IRL” to use netspeak)
2. Never meeting up with a stranger who contacts her online
3. Posting only information that you would feel okay with the whole world knowing — because once something is out there online, it becomes public knowledge and it’s difficult to remove

For more guidelines and advice, check out the Facebook Family Safety Center, a great resource for parents looking to keep their children safe online.

There will likely be an evolving set of rules governing computer use as your daughter gets older and as new technology comes out, so schedule regular family meetings to check in and see how it is working. Adjust the rules as necessary, and provide consequences when your daughter breaks the rules. Make sure your daughter knows that yes, you will occasionally be logging into her accounts just to verify that she is using those accounts in a safe way — for her protection, not to snoop. 

This is a very important opportunity in your relationship with your daughter. It’s a chance to provide her some freedom to explore and at the same time give her some structure and safety, so she can learn to provide that for herself as she gets older.  

Lindsey Stewart Plumer, LMFT is a Sacramento Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in Roseville. You can learn more about her at CounselingCalifornia.com.