Surviving Valentine's after Divorce

"This month I’ll face my first Valentine’s Day as a divorcée. I thought I was doing okay, but I suddenly feel overtaken by feelings of grief. Is this normal? How can I move on and start enjoying life again? (My husband and I divorced in September.) And how can I make it through Valentine’s Day?"

Surviving Valentine’s after Divorce  

Ask the Expert: Dr. Stephen F. Grinstead, LMFT, ACRPS, CADC-II

What you are going through is very normal. The loss of a relationship through divorce is similar to the loss of a relationship through death. Even if you initially felt relief after the divorce, you may question your decision, wonder what could have been, and grieve the loss of your hopes and dreams. It’s a lot to process in only five months! Unfortunately, many people try to rush through it or are pushed to move on by well-meaning friends and family. But grief has a life of its own and can’t be rushed.

It’s important to honor your feelings as you move through the process. It can be helpful to write down how you feel in a journal. If you make an effort to shift the focus of your attention to what you are grateful for and all the lessons you have learned from this experience, after a while you will begin to enjoy life again. But if you become overwhelmed by negative feelings and a depression that doesn’t go away, it’s very important that you seek out the help of a professional therapist who specializes in grief and loss.

Holidays can be difficult after a divorce, and Valentine’s Day in particular, when romantic relationships are glorified above all other forms of love and caring. Take this time to celebrate the important relationships in your life—let the people you love and care about know how special they are. Practice good self-care. And maybe try doing volunteer work with the elderly, with children, or for any cause close to your heart.

You can thrive—not just survive—after a divorce. It takes patience and time, but you will get through it!

Dr. Grinstead is a professional Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) who has training and experience with grief/loss and divorce resolution. You can learn more at CounselingCalifornia.com.