Humor Me (NEW Column!)

The kindergarten learning curve—for mom!

School Daze

By Jeni Boltshauser

My son, Riley, started kindergarten this year, and I’ve since entered the finals for Crap Mother of the Year…

The day he came home with his first homework assignment, I was so excited. Homework! I pulled it out of his backpack and called him immediately over to work on it.

I read the instructions aloud: “Count and color the following shapes.” Oh great, color. We have no crayons. You see, somebody in the household likes to take crayons, rip off the paper, and grind them into the coffee table until nothing is left but melted wax.

After searching through all the drawers, tables and toy baskets, I can’t locate one remnant of periwinkle blue anywhere. All I can come up with is a few dried-out markers and a fabric pen, none of which will color properly. My little cherub breaks down, the excitement of homework turned into tears.

And then there was color week…

We arrived at kindergarten to a sea of red one morning. As I looked around—thinking What is with the Sergeant Pepper outfit La Maestra is sporting?—a child’s voice popped up:

“HEY RILEY—YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE IN RED. YOUR MOM SUCKS! SHE FORGOT.”

Okay, so I added the last part. Because I did forget: It’s flippin’ color week, and every day the kids are supposed to wear a certain color. Riley was in head-to-toe blue.

I flashed back to the day before and Riley’s teacher exclaiming, “Look at all the great brown!” I thought she was a fan of fall. (Apparently it was brown day, and I just got lucky.)

Tomorrow is yellow, and of course it is the one color he does not own.

Jeni Boltshauser lives in Grass Valley with her husband and hilarious 5-year-old—who provides excellent material for her writing. When she’s not working full-time for a financial institution or hanging out with her family, Jeni competes in local triathlons and marathons. Catch her latest blog posts at SacramentoParent.com.