Mom's Lost Her Mojo

Help! My husband and I had a baby nine months ago, but I still have zero sex drive. I know it is starting to bother him. What can I do?

6 Steps to Rekindle Your Spark

By Sonia Rahel-Ahmadzai

First and foremost, it is important to know that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. You have been through some big life changes, and a woman’s sex drive can and will suffer due to the challenges that come with childbirth: emotional ups and downs, hormonal imbalances, wakeful nights, fatigue, and (possibly) feelings of low self-esteem or body image issues.

Whether you are a first-time parent or have other young children, this is a challenging time. Your first step is to work with your doctor to rule out any health issues, including postpartum depression. Then, you need to focus on self-care.

Make sure you are communicating openly with your husband, so that he understands that your lack of desire doesn’t mean you don’t love him. Then look at other aspects of your life that could impact your sex drive. Are you exercising? Eating right? Make sure you are connecting with others in your social network, scheduling date nights with your husband, getting together with friends, and not focusing exclusively on the baby.

It can help to take some time away from your newborn—this is perfectly normal and healthy. Revisit activities that you and your husband liked to do for fun before baby came along. Try not to show signs of being worried or distressed about being away from your child. Enjoy your one-on-one time—dress up, flirt, smile and focus your attention on your husband. Plan your dates in advance, and ease your mind by enlisting friends and family you trust to take care of the baby while you are out.

In my practice, I find that post-pregnancy body issues can also impact sex drive. Women tend to compare themselves to their pre-pregnancy body, or even how they felt physically and emotionally prior to pregnancy. At times, it may have nothing to do with weight gain, but rather with the trauma their bodies endured during birth, fear of getting pregnant again, or just physical exhaustion. Talk to your husband, a trusted friend or a therapist about these issues if you are experiencing them. This can help you work through your feelings.

Finally, while it is normal to expect that a couple’s sex life may change after pregnancy, remember that you do have control, and with help, it will improve.

 Sonia Rahel-Ahmadzai, M.A., MFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Rocklin. She is a member of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT) and specializes in helping parents and families. More information is at TherapistFinder.com.