Ask the Expert: Redefining Discipline

Q: My husband and I are finding we have drastically different parenting styles. I think he is too lenient with our 2½-year-old daughter. (She needs clear rules and structure!) But my husband thinks I am much too strict. How can we find a happy medium?

By Lyla Tyler, MFT

Few people, men or women, start out knowing how to be good parents, and it is not uncommon for first-time parents to discover that they have different parenting styles. We learn by trial and error.  We also learn by what we have observed in our own families growing up. It’s important that the two of you sit down and talk about how you were parented as children and what values and strategies you want to use to raise your child.

While it is true that our children need structure and clear rules, it is also true that they need understanding, encouragement and support. The true meaning of the word “discipline” is “to teach.”  To discipline appropriately, it is important that you understand what your child is capable of developmentally. Children cannot reason until they are about 2½ years old. Until this time, supervision and distraction are the most effective parenting techniques.

Since your daughter is 2½, you can begin to use time-outs, but use them to help her learn how to calm down—to stop and think—not as a punishment. Punishment may stop a behavior in the moment, but what is the long-range message you want to send? The best use of a time-out is when it helps a child understand and master her feelings.

The best interest of your child should always come first. If you and your husband cannot agree or meet in the middle, then you may want to seek out a therapist who specializes in family therapy or join a parenting class. Talk it out soon, so you can avoid major conflicts and avoid putting stress on your child or your relationship.

Lyla Tyler is a Sacramento Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). You can learn more about child development and behavior management at CounselingCalifornia.com.