One Mom’s Colic Nightmare

When my daughter emerged into the world screaming

I was relieved –she was breathing. However, when she didn’t stop screaming for four months, I wanted to throw both of us out the window! My husband, a medical resident worked nights and I’d be up every half hour with the crying baby alone. I would desperately rock my unhappy girl playing time games in the middle of the night: “Only 8 more hours until Daddy is home…only 4 more.”  I felt as if I was stuck in a horror movie.

Often my husband would arrive home to find me in a puddle of tears waiting to hand him the baby as I would sob on my way to shower.  I didn’t care that he had been up all night taking care of critically ill patients.  I was a mother unable to soothe my baby.  A typical older mom, I waited until I got my life “together” to embark on this experience.  I was over-educated, career-oriented, a veteran of heartbreak.  I thought I could easily handle a baby, but new motherhood made me feel helpless.

We tried everything to soothe her, driving around at 5:00 in the morning, endless bouncing on a Pilates ball, walking her in a stroller but she would have none of it.  Yes, I was breastfeeding.  I pumped for a while so my husband could feed her and I could get some sleep.  This didn’t work as while he was feeding her, I’d have to pump because I’d become so engorged.  All of my attempts to pump during the day were thwarted by her screams.  Well-meaning friends would suggest different positions so I could hold her and pump.  This just made me want to cry.  During one very tearful phone conversation with my best friend, she ordered me to call my pediatrician and tell him I was in crisis.

Gift after gift arrived in the mail.  People’s generosity amazed me but I would have traded every present for a peaceful night.  Darling outfits with cards that spoke of “bundles of joy” but I had no idea what everyone was talking about.  There was little happiness.

My sister assured me I’d be relieved to go back to work, so I began looking for daycare.  You might think I couldn’t leave the house fast enough, but I was afraid of how a stranger would handle a colicky baby – would she be safe?  Ultimately, we found a wonderful care provider; a woman with 25 years of experience and four grown children. We also decided to let our baby cry it out.  After a couple of nights of her throwing up and screaming for hours, and then a couple of weeks more of plain old crying, she figured it out.  During this time, I usually left the house and my husband had to endure the trauma.

Colic is a catch-all phrase for an infant who won’t stop crying, usually attributed to tummy trouble.  I tried changes in my diet, formula, rocking, not rocking, co-sleeping, baby-wearing and Dr. Karp.  She cried and cried and I thought I would die.  Everyone said she would outgrow it, but I was very skeptical and imagined my daughter at 16 still having fits!

Then one day it happened.  Like a miracle, somewhere in her ninth month I realized I was actually enjoying her.  She cried less and smiled more and she began to eat and explore.  And the funny thing is now I can’t stand being away from her.  I am the annoyingly gushing mom who has her daughter’s picture as computer wallpaper.

I no longer want to throw her out the window.  But she will have no siblings.

Shara Kaufman lives in Northern California and is a licensed clinical social worker.

Editor's note: Since the writing of this story, Shara is now the proud Mama of two!