"My son is always picked last..."

“My son is in elementary school. He always gets picked last for schoolyard games and for teams during gym class. I’m afraid this is going to affect his self-esteem. What should I do?”

Ways to Build Kids' Confidence
By Janet Spaulding, MFT

First, I’m impressed with your sensitive concern for and awareness of your child. Initially, you need to talk directly with your son and explore how he feels, including what he might want to change or hopes will happen.

Second, here’s your chance to teach your son an invaluable life lesson. Sample script:  “Son, in life, we each have our own unique strengths. We don’t all have them in the same area. Many times, Mom, Dad and even you will be confronted with someone who does better than we do! That’s life! The important question is, 'OK, but what can I do?'”

Here are four things you can do to help:

1. Make a list of your son’s strengths. Allow extra time and praise when he struggles with self-esteem.
2. Have your son choose a specific sport skill and make a practice schedule. Post a chart of daily minutes practiced. At the end of each week, record the number of times he’s able to shoot a basket out of 10 attempts or hit a ball out of 10 pitches.    
   
3. Offer lessons or parent-assisted practice time in a chosen sport.
4. Develop empathy by encouraging awareness of classmates who may have similar feelings to his own.

Best of luck while you assist your child in strengthening his unique gifts. If your son continues to exhibit clear signs of distress (e.g., ongoing anger or sadness, changes in relationships, sleep or eating patterns), I suggest you meet with a licensed child therapist to examine other possible factors and solutions.


Janet Spaulding, MFT is a Sacramento Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in Roseville. You can learn more about her at CounselingCalifornia.com.